TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE:
A TV Show (Jerome A. Holst © 2006)
following is a transcript of the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE, a TV show pilot, written exclusively for the TV ACRES.com website. Click
here for show summary
EXTERIOR: TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE - CORNFIELD - DAY
The inside of a large red barn. In the middle of the barn is a
desk, a lap top computer, and a bunch of TV collectibles.
Behind the desk is a hat tree filled with different style hats and
a large plasma TV screen hangs from the ceiling. To the left and
right are bleachers and stalls for the members of the TV ACRES
CLUBHOUSE to sit (a Peanut Gallery for the Millennium). To the
rear of the studio is a large barn door that opens onto a bucolic
TV Acres! TV Acres! TV Acres is the place to be. (Sing it again!)
TV Acres! TV Acres! TV Acres is the place to beeeeeeeee.
ANNOUNCER: Live! from a cornfield near the
majestic city of Cleveland, Ohio...it's... the TV ACRES
AL: Hi everybody and welcome to the premiere of
our show. I'm Jerome "Alphonse" Holst, your host. But just call me "Al."
TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE is a place
where TV fans can meet and greet and share their love for
television. Helping us oversee the festivities is our
clubhouse mascot, the beautiful
digital diva of
channel surfing who
just happens to live in our CLUBHOUSE TV set...All Hail Tey-Vey-A-Tuba.
AUDIENCE: [chanting] "Tuba! Tuba! Tuba! Tuba!
[Tey-Vey-A-Tuba - waving her hand and blowing
kisses- appears inside a large
plasma screen behind the main CLUBHOUSE desk where Al
sits and conducts the show]
AL: Now simmer down boys and girls and let me continue.
Each month the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE will recap
the best of what's happened on primetime TV as well as answer emails from
our fans, highlight a Website of the Month, play a few games, and even take a visit
to our "Collectibles Corner to talk about TV memorabilia from our
favorite TV shows.
We'd like to inaugurate the very first meeting of the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE
by reciting the official TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE oath. Please rise.
[Al and members of the studio audience solemnly stand to
attention. The words of the CLUBHOUSE oath scrolls by at the bottom
of the CLUBHOUSE TV screen for all to read.]
EVERYBODY: We, the members of the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE, do
- To defend the rights of all people:
To watch as many hours of TV as
they like and to stay up as late as they want.
To forgive those who blaspheme "television" with
derogatory remarks like the Boob Tube, and the Idiot Box.
To boldly hold on to the remote control despite cries of "You're
always hogging it"
And to defend - to the death - a person's right to watch TV in
AL: But NOT in the Clubhouse.
EVERYBODY: [Begrudgingly] But not in the Clubhouse.
AL: So pledge we all.
pledge we all.
[Al strikes a gavel on the
AL: Alright, the
first monthly meeting of the TV ACRES Clubhouse is now in
session...but first...a word from our sponsor.
[Al sits down at the
CLUBHOUSE desk and reads the ad copy while photographs
from THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW appear on the CLUBHOUSE TV screen.
Tey-Vey-A-Tuba is gone for the moment.]
AL: This portion of our show is sponsored by Wally's Fillin'
Station in Mayberry. North Carolina, Wally's Fillin' station is a
full service establishment. When you pull into Wally's he'll check the air pressure in your tires,
open the hood and
check your oil and other critical fluid levels, wash you
windshield - front and back - and fill up your gas tank with only
the best premium gasoline on the market. And he will do all of
this with a smile. When Wally's out fishing at Myers Lake, you
will get the same excellent service from his assistants Gomer Pyle
and his cousin, Goober Pyle. So, the next time you're in North
Carolina, y'all drop by Mayberry and chew the fat with Wally,
Gomer, and Goober. And while you're at the filling station grab
yourself a Nectarine Crush or Huckleberry Smash soda pop. As town
barber Floyd Lawson is fond of saying, "Ewwwww! they've got the
best pop in town.” That's Wally's Fillin' Station in Mayberry,
North Carolina. One of the many proud sponsors of the TV ACRES
[Back to the program]
AL: Onward and Upward! Each month at this time we'll take the
opportunity to answer some of the questions that arrived via email
to our tvacres.com website. We do this with the help of our
Clubhouse Mascot, the beautiful Tey-Vey-A-Tuba,
the mystical goddess of Channel Surfing who lives inside our
CLUBHOUSE TV set.
[Tey-Vey-A-Tuba appears on the CLUBHOUSE TV
Screen and waves at the audience members who whistle and applaud.
Tuba will read the emails. Al will answer them]
AUDIENCE: [Chanting] Tuba! Tuba! Tuba!
TUBA: Thanks everybody, Nice to be here. I'm so excited. OK Al, here goes.
swirls her hand in the air as a jumble of floating letters form
the message for the first email which she reads to the audience]
TUBA: Our first email is from Phillip
Mahoney from Toledo, Ohio
"I noticed that the dog on the detective drama VERONICA MARS looks different from the
earlier episode, What's up with that?
TUBA: Yeah, Al, What up with that?
AL: Well, Tuba here's the
The dog in question
is called "Backup." Backup is the pet of Veronica Mars
(played by Kristin Bell), a slender, blonde 17-year-old
and part time private eye who attends Neptune High School in
Now, the original Backup (referred to
as 1.0 and seen in the pilot and early episodes) was a white and
brown 2.5 year American bulldog named Gordo trained by Omar von
Muller of All Stars Kennel.
the screen to insert a photograph
of Backup No.1]
Unfortunately, the first Backup
was replaced when he didn't live up to the expectation of the
show's creator, Rob Thomas. The replacement Backup was
[Tuba shows a photograph of Backup No.2]
He made his first appearance in
episode No. 4 "The Wrath of Con" as Veronica, her father, Keith
Mars and Backup the dog visit the campus of San Diego State while
on a case. Lefty's movie credits include the film Alpha Dog
FYI, there is also a Backup 1.5. This is the name given to the stuffed
brown toy dog found in Veronica Mars' bedroom.
Oh they're so cute. But why was the dog called Backup?
her pit bull always backed her up in case of danger.
TUBA: OHHHH. Neat.
AL: So what else do we have in the
email Grabbag, Tuba?
TUBA: Our next email comes from Janice Blakely from Sacramento,
California who writes "Everyone says that my baby boy looks just
like the Gerber Baby. How can my baby be a Gerber Baby?"
AL: This is a popular question at the TV
ACRES website. The answer is found at the www.gerber.com in the
Contact Us - FAQs section under "General Inquiries". Here is what
Gerber has to say:
"All of the babies in our ads are registered, professional
models. The first step to get your baby into our ads would be to
register with a local modeling agency. Be sure to let them know
you are interested in modeling for Gerber."
TUBA: I love it when the Gerber commercials runs on TV.
Don't you, Al?
AL: I prefer Budweiser commercials, myself. So what other
emails do we have?
TUBA: Our last email is from Fred Farkle from Indianapolis,
IN who writes: "Dear Al, I heard you speak about your Clubhouse Mascot, the
beautiful, the desirable, the most excellent honey Tey-Vey-A-Tuba,
the mystical Goddess of Channel Surfing. Could you tell us more
AL: Why sure...Hey! what a minute, this is our first show.
How did Mr. Farkle know about you.
TUBA: [Tuba sports a sheepish look on
her face then says] "Oh just answer the question, Al. I can't
wait to hear what you think of me."
AL: Ok I'll play along. Hmmm, now how can I describe a
Goddess and do justice to her.
Well, First of all, Tey-Vey-A-Tuba (or Tuba" as we like to call
her) rules over the digital pathways that deliver TV signals
everywhere on earth. It's a big job but with the
help of an army of elf-like wranglers called "zappers" who make
sure that the TV signals keep "rollin" to their proper destinations, TV viewers everywhere can
flawlessly switch from one channel to the next to obtain their
favorite TV shows. Helping her in this endeavor is her Chief
TUBA: "Hey, Clyde! [Tuba waves excitedly]
AL: When Tuba's not controlling the
transmission, the horizontal and the vertical, she
hangs out at the CLUBHOUSE. And most of the time, she's fun to be
around. But to be honest, on occasion, Tuba can have a bit of a
temper. Like the time she blacked out Super Bowl Sunday at my
house, because I forgot her birthday.
TUBA: It's True. And Al hasn't forgotten my Birthday
AL: So, true. [Applause]
So, to summarize, as THE ADDAMS FAMILY theme songs
proclaims our beautiful Tuba is "neat, sweet, and
petite." Or as the Rice-A-Roni jingle goes Tuba is certainly
a "San Francisco Treat."
Well, Mr. Fred Farkle of
Indianapolis, IN, [Al stares up at Tuba] I hope you're happy with
the way I answered your email request.
TUBA: Zowie, I sure am. I mean, I'm sure Mr. Farkel
is. Thanks, Al.
AL: Ladies and Gentlemen, the beautiful Tey-Vey-A-Tuba.
She'll be back later in the program to help us recap the News of
TUBA: See you later [Tuba blows a kiss to the studio
audience as her image slowly
fades from the CLUBHOUSE screen]
AL: If you'd like to ask TV ACRES a question, then don't forget to send YOUR questions about TV to
Maybe we'll pick yours to answer on next month's program.
Up next...our WEBSITE OF THE MONTH.
[Al spins around three times in his chair, then quickly stops,
grabs a graduation cap from the hat tree next to his desk, plops
it on his head and
fiddles with the tassel]
AL: Welcome to WEBSITE OF THE MONTH, an educational
segment where we like to spotlight a fun, wacky, or weird website
for the members of the Clubhouse. And this month's website is
surely on the weird side or at least "Cutting edge."
Straight from "Quirky Files" this month's website [drum roll]
"Circumcisions on Television"
[Al rolls his chair over to a laptop computer
on his desk, types on the keyboard and pulls up an image of the
website on the CLUBHOUSE TV Screen.]
AL: Yes that's right, the website entitled "Treatment of
Circumcisions on TV" documents occurrences of circumcision
on TV sitcoms and game and talk shows.
Now the first thing I thought when I found this
website was "Wow, what an interesting topic to collect." You know
some people collect stamps, some coins and some comic books, but
Hey! then there are those out there who go for the gusto. Can you
imagine this guy at school during show and tell.
[A thought bubble appears over Al's head.
Inside we see a school room. A teacher speaks]
TEACHER: Now our next student has a most unusual hobby,
children. Let's all move in close and take a
good look at some of his photographs. [Suddenly, kids scream in
horror. The thought bubble bursts]
AL: Anyway, the website is maintained by a guy named Hugh
(no last name available). He points out that circumcision is not only
practiced by the Jews and that not all male Jews are circumcised.
When available, the webmaster provides full excerpts from the
show’s scripts to illustrate the topic of circumcision in the
episode. For example, in a pre-Bar Mitzvah interview on THE
SIMPSONS, a reporter asked if Krusty the Clown was circumcised and
he replies, "Yeah, and then some."
These examples of circumcision on TV are part of larger website
that deals with the “The struggle for genital integrity and
struggle against the involuntary genital modification of children of any
sex: Circumcision, Female Genital Mutilation, and Involuntary Sex
So did you like our choice of WEBSITE OF THE MONTH?
[Audience boos and
If you'd like to recommend a Website of the Month, drop up a line. Just
go to our website at www.tvacres.com and click on our email link.
Coming up, our regular feature segment
"Collectible Corner", where we look at TV memorabilia
from our favorite TV shows, but first
let's do a segment...
[Al fiddles with the tassel on his graduation
cap then jerks it off his head tosses it onto the floor.]
...a segment called "Question of the Month"
where we at TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE ask viewers of
our program a question, so we can share their opinion on our next
program. So to kick off our "Question of the Month" we are going to
choose the topic of TIME TRAVEL.
You know, over the years, there have been many cool shows about
time travel. DOCTOR WHO, TIMECOP, TIME TUNNEL. BILL AND TED'S
EXCELLENT ADVENTURES and SEVEN DAYS. Of course, in each of these
shows, the characters had the chance to travel through time and
space, meet famous people, battle villains and maybe if they were
lucky, alter the course of history itself. So our question to our
fans is "If you could time travel. Where and When would you go and
Why?" Interesting question. So, think about it and then send us
your thoughts so we can use them on our next program. Send
you answer/response to
AUDIENCE MEMBER: [yelling] TIME TRAVEL! I'll
tell you what I'd do if I could travel back in time.
AL: Ah! a voice from the wilderness. [Al heads into
the audience with a microphone in hand] So, sir, sounds like you got something to get off your chest, so
fire away. First, what's your name?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: My name is Delvert P.
Stickybottom, from Frickertville, Ohio.
AL: What a quaint name...for a town. So, Delvert,
if you could travel back in time, where would you go and who would
you do? Ahem, Let me correct that..."What" would you do?
DELVERT: Well, Al. Some folks might want to go
back and shot that darn Hitler fellow or zap back in time to Jerusalem to
see that prophet Jesus, but Al, if I could travel back in time,
I'd go back in time and warn the crew
of the SS Minnow not to go on that three hour tour.
AL: Ah yes, the three hour tour. But why Gilligan's
DELVERT: Well, you see, I feel sorry for
Gilligan always getting hit in the head with the Skipper's Hat
show after show, year after year. He can't help it that he's such a
foul up. But most of all I can't stand the idea of healthy
American boy stranded on an island with a couple of attractive
women and not even get to first base with them. The show's
supposed to be a comedy, but damn it's a tragedy when I see that
Ginger and Mary Ann strutting their stuff and not getting any
action. It drives me crazy. I admit it's a bit of a peccadillo with
me, but that's how I feel.
AL. Well, you've certainly put a lot of thought
into this issue.
DELVERT: Well, down on the farm, you get a lot
of time in between milking the cow and plowing the fields
to philosophize on life's mysteries, so to speak.
AL: Well, Delvert, I am really happy you shared
your thoughts with the members of the CLUBHOUSE - no matter how far
out they may seem to some of us.
DELVERT: Thank you, Al. Nice talking to you,
AL: [pointing at Delvert] Ladies and
Gentlemen...Delvert P. Stickybottom from Frickertville, Ohio. Give him a
hand. And don't forget to send up your thoughts on time travel by
Coming up, a visit to "Collectible Corner." But first another
word from our sponsors.
[Al runs back to the desk and reads the ad copy while photographs from the SIMON AND
SIMON TV Show appear on the CLUBHOUSE TV Screen]
AL: This portion of the program is sponsored by Simon and Simon
detective agency. Located at 3461 La Costa Road in San Diego, CA.
Simon brothers, Rick and A.J. offer their clients reasonable
rates, courteous service and confidential investigations. Rick
Simon, the older brother and a Vietnam veteran, is a streetwise P.I. with a rough and tumble attitude. A. J. Simon is a lawyer and
uses brain over brawn to investigate the clues. Although their
styles are different, together the Simon Brothers make a formidable
team that guarantees results. So when you need a detective agency
with diverse skills, and the tenacity to finish what they start,
choose Simon and Simon Investigators "They're More than brothers,
they're best friends." That's Simon and Simon Investigators,
another proud sponsor of the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE.
[Back to the program]
[Strange fog horn sounds. Al
turns his head abruptly]
AL: What's that I hear? It must be time for
my favorite segment "Collectible Corner."
As you can see, our TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE is filled with all sorts of
TV related memorabilia and collectibles. Up in the rafters we have
a model of the starship USS Enterprise from the sci-fi series STAR
TREK. On the wall hangs a replica of the Winchester used in the
1950s western series THE RIFLEMAN. And on my desk where I create
my monthly program are various toys like a Superman Pez dispenser,
a windup Spongebob Squarepants, a marionette of Howdy Doody and a
Pee Wee Herman pull string doll that says stuff like "I know you
are but what am I?
Well, this week I'd like to show you the latest TV Prop to be added
collection. A telephone. But not just any telephone, You see I
found the phone at a local flea market where the woman selling the
phone told me it was the actual phone used on an episode of THE
TWILIGHT ZONE. The episode where a little boy kept talking to his
grandmother. What's so strange about a little boy talking to his
grandmother? Well, nothing, except, in this case, his grandmother
had been dead for a week. As the boisterous Joan Ann Worley from LAUGH-IN might
Well, I had my doubts about the
phone but I paid the price and set in on my
desk here in the CLUBHOUSE. Well. a few days ago, the phone began
to ring. That's right. Phone calls from the beyond - mainly from heaven
but some from that other place down below. So don't be surprised if during
the broadcast the phone starts to ring and [RING! RING!] Speak of
the devil. Well let's check out who or what is on the other end.
AL: Hello TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE. Al Speaking. Whom may I say is calling?
Excuse me, could you speak a little louder? I can't hear you over
all of the wailing and gnashing of teeth.
What's that? It's PUSSY?
[Al looks at the audience]
Apparently, we have a kitty cat on the line.
Oh, I see, Not Pussy, BIG PUSSY. Uh Huh, Oh Big Pussy from THE
SOPRANOS. You were whacked a few seasons ago. I remember now.
Well how are your doing. Uh Huh, I see. Beaten daily with fiery
whips and forced to drink molten lava three time a days.
Well, sorry I asked. That doesn't sound like too much fun.
So Big Pussy, what can I do for you?
Uh Huh, I see,
You're hankering for some good Italian food.
Uh Huh. Spaghetti. Meatballs. Cannoli. Pasta fasul. Oh yeah, I hear ya. You got my mouth watering.
Well, Pussy, I don't know what I can do to help.
What's that? Uh huh, DOMINOS refused to
deliver. Well, I can understand their position and you can forget
that 30 minute or less guarantee. I don't think they deliver to
HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN? Oh, I see, the "Highway to Heaven" guy.
Do *I* know him?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I just talked to him a few days ago on
this very telephone. Uh huh, So you want me to see if he can put a good
word in to his boss the "Big Guy Upstairs" and see if they'll cut
you a break and get some decent food delivered down there.
Well, I can image, it is Hell and the food must be awful. I've
been to Denny's so I can sympathize.
Well, let me see what I can do. I can't promise you anything but
I'll pass the message along.
Say Pussy. You don't mind I call you, Pussy? Good.
Now that you've had a chance to work with Tony Soprano and the
DEVIL Who do you prefer?
You don't want to say, Uh-huh. You
don't want get into any trouble badmouthing Tony. Uh-huh. Because when Tony gets down
there - and that's a given - you don't want to
have to worry about him having your ass for breakfast...literally.
No, I understand completely.
What's that? You've got to go. It's your turn to ritually mutilate a lawyer. Well,
by all means, I don't want to interrupt your important work. I'll
let you go. Bye!
[Al hangs up the phone]
Ladies and Gentlemen, Big Pussy from THE SOPRANOS. Dead, but not
[Al leaves his desk and runs in front of the audience]
AL: Now, let's get ready to play...
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