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TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE: A TV Show (Jerome A. Holst © 2006)

Intro: The following is a transcript of the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE, a TV show pilot, written exclusively for the TV website. Click here for show summary


INTERIOR: The inside of a large red barn. In the middle of the barn is a desk, a lap top computer,  and a bunch of TV collectibles.  Behind the desk is a hat tree filled with different style hats and a large plasma TV screen hangs from the ceiling. To the left and right are bleachers and stalls for the members of the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE to sit (a Peanut Gallery for the Millennium). To the rear of the studio is a large barn door that opens onto a bucolic farm landscape.

[Music/Theme Song]

TV Acres! TV Acres! TV Acres is the place to be. (Sing it again!)
TV Acres! TV Acres! TV Acres is the place to beeeeeeeee.

ANNOUNCER: Live! from a cornfield near the majestic city of Cleveland,'s... the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE.

[Audience applause]

AL: Hi everybody and welcome to the premiere of our show. I'm Jerome "Alphonse" Holst, your host. But  just call me "Al."

[applause subsides]

TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE is a place where TV fans can meet and greet and share their love for television. Helping us oversee the festivities is our clubhouse mascot, the beautiful Tey-Vey-A-Tuba, the digital diva of channel surfing who just happens to live in our CLUBHOUSE TV set...All Hail Tey-Vey-A-Tuba.

AUDIENCE: [chanting] "Tuba! Tuba! Tuba! Tuba!

[Tey-Vey-A-Tuba - waving her hand and blowing kisses- appears inside a large plasma screen behind the main CLUBHOUSE desk where Al sits and conducts the show]

AL: Now simmer down boys and girls and let me continue.

Each month the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE will recap the best of what's happened on primetime TV as well as answer emails from our fans, highlight a Website of the Month, play a few games, and even take a visit to our "Collectibles Corner to talk about TV memorabilia from our favorite TV shows.

We'd like to inaugurate the very first meeting of the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE by reciting the official TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE oath. Please rise.

[Al and members of the studio audience solemnly stand to attention. The words of the CLUBHOUSE oath scrolls by at the bottom of the CLUBHOUSE TV screen for all to read.]

EVERYBODY: We, the members of the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE, do solemnly pledge:

  • To defend the rights of all people:
  • To watch as many hours of TV as they like and to stay up as late as they want.

  • To forgive those who blaspheme "television" with derogatory remarks like the Boob Tube, and the Idiot Box.

  • To boldly hold on to the remote control despite cries of "You're always hogging it"

  • And to defend - to the death - a person's right to watch TV in their underwear.

AL: But NOT in the Clubhouse.

EVERYBODY: [Begrudgingly] But not in the Clubhouse.

AL: So pledge we all.

EVERYBODY: So pledge we all.

[Al strikes a gavel on the desktop]

AL: Alright, the first monthly meeting of the TV ACRES Clubhouse is now in session...but first...a word from our sponsor.

[Audience Applause]

[Al sits down at the CLUBHOUSE desk and reads the ad copy while photographs from THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW appear on the CLUBHOUSE TV screen. Tey-Vey-A-Tuba is gone for the moment.]

AL: This portion of our show is sponsored by Wally's Fillin' Station in Mayberry. North Carolina, Wally's Fillin' station is a full service establishment. When you pull into Wally's he'll check the air pressure in your tires, open the hood and check your oil and other critical fluid levels, wash you windshield - front and back - and fill up your gas tank with only the best premium gasoline on the market. And he will do all of this with a smile. When Wally's out fishing at Myers Lake, you will get the same excellent service from his assistants Gomer Pyle and his cousin, Goober Pyle. So, the next time you're in North Carolina, y'all drop by Mayberry and chew the fat with Wally, Gomer, and Goober. And while you're at the filling station grab yourself a Nectarine Crush or Huckleberry Smash soda pop. As town barber Floyd Lawson is fond of saying, "Ewwwww! they've got the best pop in town.” That's Wally's Fillin' Station in Mayberry, North Carolina. One of the many proud sponsors of the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE.

[Back to the program]

AL: Onward and Upward! Each month at this time we'll take the opportunity to answer some of the questions that arrived via email to our website. We do this with the help of our Clubhouse Mascot, the beautiful Tey-Vey-A-Tuba, the mystical goddess of Channel Surfing who lives inside our CLUBHOUSE TV set.  

[Tey-Vey-A-Tuba appears on the CLUBHOUSE TV Screen and waves at the audience members who whistle and applaud. Tuba will read the emails. Al will answer them]

AUDIENCE: [Chanting] Tuba! Tuba! Tuba! Tuba!

TUBA: Thanks everybody, Nice to be here. I'm so excited. OK Al, here goes.

[Tuba swirls her hand in the air as a jumble of floating letters form the message for the first email which she reads to the audience]

TUBA: Our first email is from Phillip Mahoney from Toledo, Ohio who writes:

"I noticed that the dog on the detective drama VERONICA MARS looks different from the earlier episode, What's up with that?

TUBA: Yeah, Al, What up with that?

AL: Well, Tuba here's the answer. The dog in question is called "Backup."  Backup is the pet of Veronica Mars (played by Kristin Bell), a slender, blonde 17-year-old and part time private eye who attends Neptune High School in Southern California.

Now, the original Backup (referred to as 1.0 and seen in the pilot and early episodes) was a white and brown 2.5 year American bulldog named Gordo trained by Omar von Muller of All Stars Kennel.

[Tuba splits the screen to insert a photograph of Backup No.1]

Unfortunately, the first Backup was replaced when he didn't live up to the expectation of the show's creator, Rob Thomas. The replacement Backup was called Lefty.

[Tuba shows a photograph of Backup No.2]

He made his first appearance in episode No. 4 "The Wrath of Con" as Veronica, her father, Keith Mars and Backup the dog visit the campus of San Diego State while on a case. Lefty's movie credits include the film Alpha Dog (2006).

FYI, there is also a Backup 1.5. This is the name given to the stuffed brown toy dog found in Veronica Mars' bedroom.

TUBA: Oh they're so cute. But why was the dog called Backup?

AL: Because her pit bull always backed her up in case of danger.  


AL: So what else do we have in the email Grabbag, Tuba?

TUBA: Our next email comes from Janice Blakely from Sacramento, California who writes "Everyone says that my baby boy looks just like the Gerber Baby. How can my baby be a Gerber Baby?"

AL: This is a popular question at the TV ACRES website. The answer is found at the in the Contact Us - FAQs section under "General Inquiries". Here is what Gerber has to say:

"All of the babies in our ads are registered, professional models. The first step to get your baby into our ads would be to register with a local modeling agency. Be sure to let them know you are interested in modeling for Gerber."

TUBA: I love it when the Gerber commercials runs on TV. Don't you, Al?

AL: I prefer Budweiser commercials, myself. So what other emails do we have?

TUBA: Our last email is from Fred Farkle from Indianapolis, IN who writes: "Dear Al, I heard you speak about your Clubhouse Mascot, the beautiful, the desirable, the most excellent honey Tey-Vey-A-Tuba, the mystical Goddess of Channel Surfing. Could you tell us more about her?

AL: Why sure...Hey! what a minute, this is our first show. How did Mr. Farkle know about you.

TUBA: [Tuba sports a sheepish look on her face then says] "Oh just answer the question, Al. I can't wait to hear what you think of me."

AL: Ok I'll play along. Hmmm, now how can I describe a Goddess and do justice to her.

Well, First of all, Tey-Vey-A-Tuba (or Tuba" as we like to call her) rules over the digital pathways that deliver TV signals everywhere on earth. It's a big job but with the help of an army of elf-like wranglers called "zappers" who make sure that the TV signals keep "rollin" to their proper destinations, TV viewers everywhere can flawlessly switch from one channel to the next to obtain their favorite TV shows. Helping her in this endeavor is her Chief Zapper "Clyde".

TUBA: "Hey, Clyde! [Tuba waves excitedly]

AL: When Tuba's not controlling the transmission, the horizontal  and  the vertical, she hangs out at the CLUBHOUSE. And most of the time, she's fun to be around. But to be honest, on occasion, Tuba can have a bit of a temper. Like the time she blacked out Super Bowl Sunday at my house, because I forgot her birthday.

TUBA: It's True. And Al hasn't forgotten my Birthday since.

AL: So, true. [Applause] So, to summarize, as THE ADDAMS FAMILY theme songs proclaims our beautiful Tuba is "neat, sweet, and petite." Or as the Rice-A-Roni jingle goes Tuba is certainly a "San Francisco Treat."

Well, Mr. Fred Farkle of Indianapolis, IN, [Al stares up at Tuba] I hope you're happy with the way I answered your email request.

TUBA: Zowie, I sure am.  I mean, I'm sure Mr. Farkel is. Thanks, Al.

AL: Ladies and Gentlemen, the beautiful Tey-Vey-A-Tuba. She'll be back later in the program to help us recap the News of the Month.

TUBA: See you later [Tuba blows a kiss to the studio audience as her image slowly fades from the CLUBHOUSE screen]

AL: If you'd like to ask TV ACRES a question, then don't forget to send YOUR questions about TV to Maybe we'll pick yours to answer on next month's program.


[Al spins around three times in his chair, then quickly stops, grabs a graduation cap from the hat tree next to his desk, plops it on his head and fiddles with the tassel]

AL: Welcome to WEBSITE OF THE MONTH, an educational segment where we like to spotlight a fun, wacky, or weird website for the members of the Clubhouse. And this month's website is surely on the weird side or at least "Cutting edge."

Straight from "Quirky Files" this month's website [drum roll] "Circumcisions on Television"

[Al rolls his chair over to a laptop computer on his desk, types on the keyboard and pulls up an image of the website on the CLUBHOUSE TV Screen.]

AL: Yes that's right, the website entitled "Treatment of Circumcisions on TV" documents occurrences of circumcision on TV sitcoms and game and talk shows.

Now the first thing I thought when I found this website was "Wow, what an interesting topic to collect." You know some people collect stamps, some coins and some comic books, but Hey! then there are those out there who go for the gusto. Can you imagine this guy at school during show and tell.

[A thought bubble appears over Al's head. Inside we see a school room. A teacher speaks]

TEACHER: Now our next student has a most unusual hobby, children. Let's all move in close and take a good look at some of his photographs. [Suddenly, kids scream in horror. The thought bubble bursts]

AL: Anyway, the website is maintained by a guy named Hugh (no last name available). He points out that circumcision is not only practiced by the Jews and that not all male Jews are circumcised.

When available, the webmaster provides full excerpts from the show’s scripts to illustrate the topic of circumcision in the episode. For example, in a pre-Bar Mitzvah interview on THE SIMPSONS, a reporter asked if Krusty the Clown was circumcised and he replies, "Yeah, and then some."

These examples of circumcision on TV are part of larger website that deals with the “The struggle for genital integrity and struggle against the involuntary genital modification of children of any sex: Circumcision, Female Genital Mutilation, and Involuntary Sex Reassignment”

So did you like our choice of WEBSITE OF THE MONTH?

[Audience boos and moans].

If you'd like to recommend a Website of the Month, drop up a line. Just go to our website at and click on our email link.

Coming up, our regular feature segment "Collectible Corner", where we look at TV memorabilia from our favorite TV shows, but first let's do a segment... 

[Al fiddles with the tassel on his graduation cap then jerks it off his head tosses it onto the floor.]

...a segment called "Question of the Month" where we at TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE ask viewers of our program a question, so we can share their opinion on our next program. So to kick off our "Question of the Month" we are going to choose the topic of TIME TRAVEL.

You know, over the years, there have been many cool shows about time travel. DOCTOR WHO, TIMECOP, TIME TUNNEL. BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURES and SEVEN DAYS. Of course, in each of these shows, the characters had the chance to travel through time and space, meet famous people, battle villains and maybe if they were lucky, alter the course of history itself. So our question to our fans is "If you could time travel. Where and When would you go and Why?" Interesting question. So, think about it and then send us your thoughts so we can use them on our next program. Send you answer/response to

AUDIENCE MEMBER: [yelling] TIME TRAVEL! I'll tell you what I'd do if I could travel back in time.

AL: Ah! a voice from the wilderness. [Al heads into the audience with a microphone in hand] So, sir, sounds like you got something to get off your chest, so fire away. First, what's your name?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: My name is Delvert P. Stickybottom, from Frickertville, Ohio.

AL: What a quaint name...for a town. So, Delvert, if you could travel back in time, where would you go and who would you do? Ahem, Let me correct that..."What" would you do?

DELVERT: Well, Al. Some folks might want to go back and shot that darn Hitler fellow or zap back in time to Jerusalem to see that prophet Jesus, but Al, if I could travel back in time, I'd go back in time and warn the crew of the SS Minnow not to go on that three hour tour. 

AL: Ah yes, the three hour tour. But why Gilligan's Island?

DELVERT: Well, you see, I feel sorry for Gilligan always getting hit in the head with the Skipper's Hat show after show, year after year. He can't help it that he's such a foul up.  But most of all I can't stand the idea of healthy American boy stranded on an island with a couple of attractive women and not even get to first base with them. The show's supposed to be a comedy, but damn it's a tragedy when I see that Ginger and Mary Ann strutting their stuff and not getting any action. It drives me crazy. I admit it's a bit of a peccadillo with me, but that's how I feel.

AL. Well, you've certainly put a lot of thought into this issue.

DELVERT: Well, down on the farm, you get a lot of time in between milking the cow and plowing the fields to philosophize on life's mysteries, so to speak.

AL: Well, Delvert, I am really happy you shared your thoughts with the members of the CLUBHOUSE - no matter how far out they may seem to some of us. 

DELVERT: Thank you, Al. Nice talking to you, too.

AL: [pointing at Delvert] Ladies and Gentlemen...Delvert P. Stickybottom from Frickertville, Ohio. Give him a hand. And don't forget to send up your thoughts on time travel by email to

Coming up, a visit to "Collectible Corner." But first another word from our sponsors.

[Al runs back to the desk and reads the ad copy while photographs from the SIMON AND SIMON TV Show appear on the CLUBHOUSE TV Screen]

AL: This portion of the program is sponsored by Simon and Simon detective agency. Located at 3461 La Costa Road in San Diego, CA. The Simon brothers, Rick and A.J. offer their clients reasonable rates, courteous service and confidential investigations. Rick Simon, the older brother and a Vietnam veteran, is a streetwise P.I. with a rough and tumble attitude. A. J. Simon is a lawyer and uses brain over brawn to investigate the clues. Although their styles are different, together the Simon Brothers make a formidable team that guarantees results. So when you need a detective agency with diverse skills, and the tenacity to finish what they start, choose Simon and Simon Investigators "They're More than brothers, they're best friends." That's Simon and Simon Investigators, another proud sponsor of the TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE.

[Back to the program]

[Strange fog horn sounds. Al turns his head abruptly]

AL: What's that I hear? It must be time for my favorite segment "Collectible Corner."

As you can see, our TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE is filled with all sorts of TV related memorabilia and collectibles. Up in the rafters we have a model of the starship USS Enterprise from the sci-fi series STAR TREK. On the wall hangs a replica of the Winchester used in the 1950s western series THE RIFLEMAN. And on my desk where I create my monthly program are various toys like a Superman Pez dispenser, a windup Spongebob Squarepants, a marionette of Howdy Doody and a Pee Wee Herman pull string doll that says stuff like "I know you are but what am I?

Well, this week I'd like to show you the latest TV Prop to be added to our collection. A telephone. But not just any telephone, You see I found the phone at a local flea market where the woman selling the phone told me it was the actual phone used on an episode of THE TWILIGHT ZONE. The episode where a little boy kept talking to his grandmother. What's so strange about a little boy talking to his grandmother? Well, nothing, except, in this case, his grandmother had been dead for a week. As the boisterous Joan Ann Worley from LAUGH-IN might say, "SPOOOOKY!"

Well, I had my doubts about the phone but I paid the price and set in on my desk here in the CLUBHOUSE. Well. a few days ago, the phone began to ring. That's right. Phone calls from the beyond - mainly from heaven but some from that other place down below. So don't be surprised if during the broadcast the phone starts to ring and [RING! RING!] Speak of the devil. Well let's check out who or what is on the other end.

AL: Hello TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE. Al Speaking. Whom may I say is calling?

Excuse me, could you speak a little louder? I can't hear you over all of the wailing and gnashing of teeth.

What's that? It's PUSSY?

[Al looks at the audience]

Apparently, we have a kitty cat on the line.

Oh, I see, Not Pussy, BIG PUSSY. Uh Huh, Oh Big Pussy from THE SOPRANOS. You were whacked a few seasons ago. I remember now.

Well how are your doing. Uh Huh, I see. Beaten daily with fiery whips and forced to drink molten lava three time a days.

Well, sorry I asked. That doesn't sound like too much fun.

So Big Pussy, what can I do for you?

Uh Huh, I see,

You're hankering for some good Italian food.

Uh Huh. Spaghetti. Meatballs. Cannoli. Pasta fasul. Oh yeah, I hear ya. You got my mouth watering.

Well, Pussy, I don't know what I can do to help.

What's that? Uh huh, DOMINOS refused to deliver. Well, I can understand their position and you can forget that 30 minute or less guarantee. I don't think they deliver to other dimensions.

What's that? HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN? Oh, I see, the "Highway to Heaven" guy.

Do *I* know him?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I just talked to him a few days ago on this very telephone. Uh huh, So you want me to see if he can put a good word in to his boss the "Big Guy Upstairs" and see if they'll cut you a break and get some decent food delivered down there.

Well, I can image, it is Hell and the food must be awful. I've been to Denny's so I can sympathize.

Well, let me see what I can do. I can't promise you anything but I'll pass the message along.

Say Pussy. You don't mind I call you, Pussy? Good.

Now that you've had a chance to work with Tony Soprano and the DEVIL Who do you prefer?

You don't want to say, Uh-huh. You don't want get into any trouble badmouthing Tony. Uh-huh. Because when Tony gets down there - and that's a given - you don't want to have to worry about him having your ass for breakfast...literally. No, I understand completely.

What's that? You've got to go. It's your turn to ritually mutilate a lawyer. Well, by all means, I don't want to interrupt your important work. I'll let you go. Bye!

[Al hangs up the phone]

AL: Ladies and Gentlemen, Big Pussy from THE SOPRANOS. Dead, but not forgotten.

[audience applause]

[Al leaves his desk and runs in front of the audience]

AL: Now, let's get ready to play...

Continued on Next Page >


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