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TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE: A TV Show (Jerome A. Holst © 2006)

(TV Acres Pilot - Continued)


AUDIENCE: [shouting] "SPIN...THAT...DARN...WHEEL!"

AL: That's right! In the tradition of the TV Game Show phrase: "Round and round she goes where she stops nobody knows", The TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE presents "Spin That Darn Wheel."

That's right! We have fashioned a large wheel and filled it with slivers of subject categories. We'll ask members of the studio audience to spin the wheel and when the wheel stops, whatever category is highlighted will be the topic from which we ask them a question. All questions, of course, are derived from our vast database of TV program history in the tvacres.com website. If our contestant answers correctly, they will win an official TV Acres coffee mug and T-shirt with our thanks.

So what do you say, let's get that darn wheel out here so we can [audience shouts] SPIN...THAT...DARN...WHEEL! 

STAGEHAND: [Shouting from the hay loft] Sorry, Al, but we lost the wheel.

AL: What's that? [flabbergasted] You lost the wheel! But I saw it up in the hay loft yesterday. So, just drop it down and let's play [audience shouts] SPIN...THAT...DARN...WHEEL!

STAGEHAND: Sorry, Al, but we just can find it.

AL: You can't find it...because why?

STAGEHAND: Looks like, last night Farmer Douglas filled the hay loft with bales of hay and covered up the wheel. It'll take us a couple hours to dig down and find it.

AL: [dejected] Al right guys start digging. Folks, Farmer Douglas owns this barn and let's us use it for our CLUBHOUSE meeting, so I guess I can't be mad at him. So, it looks like this week we'll have to postpone [audience] SPIN...THAT...DARN...WHEEL. But  I guarantee you, it will be here next program. [shouts up to the stage hand] RIGHT GUYS!" [No answer]

Oh well, then let's go straight to the main event of our show, TV NEWS AND MONTH IN REVIEW.

[AL rushes over to his desk, plops down on his chair, grabs a fedora hat from the hat tree, put it on his head and snags a pair of dark-rimmed glasses from his desk to become a reporter type - ala Clark Kent.]

AL: Welcome again, my fellow Acre-ites. This is the part of the show where we the present TV NEWS AND MONTH IN REVIEW.

Since this is our first time doing this segment, let's explain just how we do it. You know at our TV ACRES website we file TV Facts by "Subject" so people can find the information quickly. We do the same thing in our news segment and give each story a subject. We stuff our new stories into a bucket which is lowered on to the stage by our trusty stagehands. Then Tuba and I take turns pulling out a news story until we run out of stories. Each time we pull out a story we say "SUBJECT IS:" (like Family Feud "Survey Says!)" It's as simple as that.

AL: [Al shouts at the TV Screen filled with static]. Oh, Tuba, it's time for the news. Come out, come out, wherever your are? [the screen slowly shows the image of TeyVey-a-Tuba].

TUBA: [yelling] Coming Al!

AL: Now the great thing about this segment is that TeyVey-A-Tuba through the powers of digitization and teleportation will beam herself out of the TV screen and take a seat beside me at the desk to read the news. So what do you say folks, let's give Teyvey-a-Tuba a little encouragement.

AUDIENCE: [Chanting] Tuba! Tuba! Tuba! Tuba!

[Suddenly a dazzling bolt of electricity hits the stage and as the cloud of smoke clears, we see the lovely Teyvey-a-tuba seated behind the desk with Al]

AL: [waving away the smoke] Nice to see you in all of your glory, Tuba.

[Audience shouts "Tuba! Tuba! Tuba! Tuba!]

TUBA: Why thank you all. And you're as sweet as ever, Al [Tuba pinches Al's cheek] It's so nice to get out of the digital world and into the real world. The air here is so fresh. I just can't get enough of it. 

[Tuba tosses back her hair and takes a deep breath. Al's eyes gleefully track the rise and fall of her chest. Then, interrupting the moment, a stagehand up in the rafters, lowers a bucket filled with news stories onto the desktop. Al unhooks the rope from the bucket handle and it is pulled up and out of view]

AL: Ok, so what do you say we get started, Tuba. You go first.

TUBA: I sure will [Tuba pulls out a story from the news bucket].

AL: So, what did you get?

TUBA: SUBJECT IS: DEATH. [shocked] Eww Al, I don't want this one. You take it.

AL: As you wish. This month of July 2006 the entertainment industry reported the death of many notable actors. In the Men's Department we lost the likes of

  • Comedian Red Buttons, the host of the 1950s show THE RED BUTTONS SHOW and a frequent visitor to the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts

  • Barnard Hughes who starred in the short lived fantasy series MR. MERLIN,

  • Jack Smith, the host of the classic 1950s game show/variety show YOU ASKED FOR IT.  Remember him? He came to Milwaukee, Wisconsin to cover Arthur Fonzerelli's dangerous motorcycle jump on an episode of HAPPY DAYS.

  • Comedian and veteran TV show host Jan Murray died at his home in Beverly Hill, California.

  • Veteran character actor Jack Warden who won an Emmy for his role on the TV series CRAZY LIKE A FOX died at the age of 85 from failing health.

  • and finally Mako, veteran Asian-American actor who starred on such shows as M*A*S*H, I Spy, and Walter Texas Ranger. You may also remember him as the wizard in the movie Conan the Barbarian.

This month, we also said goodbye to tough guy writer Mickey Spillane, who created the iconic private eye character Mike Hammer who appeared in TV adaptations starring Darren McGavin in the 1950s and Stacey Keach in the 1980s.

In the Women's Department we lost:

  • Casey Rogers, who played Louise Tate #2 on the sitcom BEWITCHED.

  • Film actress June Allyson, who starred on The DUPONT SHOW WITH JUNE ALLYSON and did guest spots on THE LOVE BOAT, MURDER, SHE WROTE, HART TO HART and VEGA$

  • And finally, actress Carrie Nye, a veteran, stage, TV and movie actress who died at her home in New York City.

TUBA: Wow! That's a lot of dead people.

AL: Sure, is. Now Tuba, it's your turn again. Pick away.

TUBA: Here goes. [picks a subject]

The SUBJECT IS: STATUES

Oh No! There's trouble in Mayberry. Tom Hellebrand, a fan of THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW commissioned a statue of bumbling deputy Barney Fife to stand in Mount Airy, NC along with the existing statues of Sheriff Andy Taylor and his boy, Opie but the folks at CBS/Paramount studios who controlled the rights to the character "Nipped" that project "in the bud." Then when Hellebrand offered to give the statue to Morgantown, West Virginia, the home town of Don Knotts, his widow Francey thought that the image of Barney was inappropriate and that a statue of Don Knotts, not of Fife should be erected. In frustration Hellebrand finally abandoned the project and arranged to have the uncompleted clay statue of Barney Fife destroyed. Actor Don Knotts, of course, died in February 2006 at the age of 81.

AL: Talk about no good deed goes unpunished. I fell sorry for the guy.

TUBA: Yeah, That is a sad story.

AL: Oh well, It's my turn again. So...[picks a subject]

SUBJECT IS: HORROR.

TUBA: Ewww, Creepy.

AL: This month Stephen King returned to the small screen with NIGHTMARES AND DREAMSCAPES, a four week limited series based on some of his best short stories. The series began with a story called "Battleground" starring William Hurt as a hitman who kills the head of a toy company only to be killed himself by a elite squad of tiny toy solders (conveniently equipped with helicopters, machined guns and a miniature thermonuclear bomb)

Also on the HORROR menu for the month was the debut of BLADE: THE SERIES based on the film BLADE starring Wesley Snipes. The TV series chronicles the adventures of a Detroit-based motorcycle-riding, half vampire vigilante who needs to inject himself with serums to avoid blood cravings. Now here a show that has the potential to SUCK big time.

TUBA: Speaking of "Sucking" that reminds me.

AL: [Intrigued, Al spins in Tuba's direction] Yeeessss?

TUBA: Do you remember that adorable young girl on THE WONDER YEARS who played Winnie Cooper?

AL: Yes, actress Danica McKellar.

TUBA: Exactly, well she's all grownup now. She graduated from UCLA with a degree in Mathematics and she's written a book for middle school girls called "Math Doesn't Suck."

AL: [disappointed] Hence your reference to "Sucking."

TUBA: Yes, Al. [Tuba smacks Al on the shoulder]. Danica's groundbreaking book wants to eradicate the "Math is hard" stereotypes and make math fun and accessible to young girls and everyone else." If any of our TV ACRES fans want to buy the book it will be published next year by Hudson Street Press.

AL: Or better yet, check it out at your local library and save your money. Another money saving tip from "Al-oise."

TUBA: Oh Al, you're terrible.

AL: Yes, I am. Oh, and don't forget that Danica will debut in her own LIFETIME Channel series "Inspector MOM" later this year. Well, Tuba what do you say we get back to the news.

TUBA: Goodie, it's my turn again. [picks a subject]

SUBJECT IS: CHILDREN'S TV SHOW HOSTS.

This July, PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE, a popular Saturday morning kid's show returned to airwaves as part of the Cartoon Networks Adult Swim lineup. The show stars Paul Reuben as his alter-ego Pee-Wee Herman who dresses in a too-small grey suit and red bowtie.

Named one of the top-ten cult classics of all time by TV Guide in 2004, PEE-WEE's PLAYHOUSE originally aired Saturday mornings on CBS, beginning on Sept. 13, 1986. The current reincarnation - which includes 45 episodes - began airing Monday through Thursdays at 11:00 PM. But they deleted the rowdy opening theme song sung by Cindy Lauper. Which is a shame.

But there's still lots to see including such Playhouse characters as the King of Cartoons, Cowboy Curtis, Miss Yvonne, nosey neighbor Mrs. Rene, and Reba the mail lady. And let's not forget the inhabitants of PEE-WEE's PLAYHOUSE like Pteri the Pterodactyl, Jambi the genie, Pee-wee's talking chair, Chairry, Globey the Globe, Magic Screen, and Conky the Robot. 

Wow! Isn't that great, I loved that show. My favorite character was Cowboy Curtis, he was such a hunk. So who was your favorite character on the show, Al?

AL: Well, I always liked the little family of dinosaurs who lived inside the Playhouse walls.

TUBA: Oh, I remember them. They were cute. Just like you, Al.

AL: Cute? Not...not a hunk like Cowboy Curtis?

TUBA: Oh, Al you're so silly. [pinches Al's cheeks]

AL: I guess I'll be happy with cute. Oh, before we continue, do you know what mistake Pee Wee made that caused parents to complain over the years.

TUBA: [Stumped, Tuba raises hands in the air] I have no idea.

AL: Well, when Pee rides his bicycle he wears a helmet but he always forgets to buckle it. Safety first Kids. 

TUBA: Oh Al, you're so full of it. [Pauses] I mean with trivia and stuff.

AL: Well, thank you...I think. Anyway, moving on. [picks a subject]

SUBJECT IS: CONTESTS

This month, the Sci-Fi Channel debuted its new series "Who Wants to be A Superhero," a reality series where "normal" people become superheroes complete with costume. These special folks all get to live in a house and do tasks while comic book master Stan Lee eliminates them one by one. The winner of the series wins "Immortality" that is they will get their own comic book (drawn exclusively by Stan Lee) and will star in their own original movie to air on the Sci-Fi Channel. Participating contestants donned such superhero personas as Cell Phone Girl, the Iron Enforcer and my favorite Fat Momma, a beefy black super heroine whose utility belt is lined with doughnuts.  Suddenly, I'm feel so hungry. but I digress.

Also on the SCI FI menu this month is the debut of SCI FI Channel original series EUREKA. It stars Colin Ferguson as a federal marshal who gets stranded in the small northwestern town of Eureka. He quickly discovers the town is composed of oddball geniuses assembled by the government to conduct top-secret research. 

Wait a minute, folks. You know this alleged Sci-fi "Original" series sounds an awful lot like an old 1963 episode of THE TWILIGHT  ZONE.  Let me recap. A man named Philip Redfield who stops for gas in a small town named Pleasant Valley and learns that the inhabitants are in possession of several "devices" that can move matter, and reverse time, among other things. He tries to escape, but runs into a force field protecting the town. The inhabitants of the town eventually just wipe the man's mind clean and let him go on his way. On the show EUREKA the marshal signs a non-disclosure agreement with the government to never reveal the secrets that lie within the quaint little town of Eureka. Just goes to show you, nothing is really new, they just recycle the plots. Back to you, Tuba.

TUBA: Thanks, Al. I remember that old show. James Doohan, who went on to play Scotty on STAR TREK series played one of the strange residents of that town. Now let's get another news story. [picks a subject]

SUBJECT IS: AWARDS

July 2006 was the month of award announcements. Well, two of them, anyway.

First, the Emmy nominations were announced in L.A. Their choices  for Best Drama included Grey's Anatomy, House, The Sopranos, 24, and The West Wing. And in the Best Comedy category, the nominations were for the shows Arrested Development, Scrubs, Two and a Half Men, Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Office. All good shows. I wish them well, come Emmy Night which is scheduled to air August 26th on NBC.

The second award announcement came in the form of an article in ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY who announced their picks for the 50 Best Sidekicks of All-Time. Longtime sidekick of Johnny Carson - Ed McMahon won the number one spot. With BATMAN's Robin the Boy Wonder at No 2; and surprisingly that short, fat, bald, loser, George Constanza of SEINFELD making the No.3 spot. And speaking of losers...back to you, Al.

AL: Oh, very funny.

Tuba: [Chuckling] I thought so. Now Al, I was just kidding. Don't get so red-faced about it. Now go ahead and pick the next news story. I'm sure all the folks in the audience are dying to hear from you.

AL: [audience applause] Well, all right. [picks a subject]

SUBJECT IS: JEWELRY

TUBA: Jewelry?  Oh, Al, let me have that one. Pretty, pretty please.

AL: [smirk fills Al's face] I'm not such a loser now, am I. [Al holds the news story above his head as Tuba reaches for it.] Say you're sorry.

TUBA: I'm sorry, Al. I shouldn't have called you a loser. I should have called you a "big, fat, bald, loser." [stretching] Now give me that story.

[Al gets up and runs around the set with Tuba in hot pursuit for the new story. Benny Hill chase music plays. Finally they return to the desk.]

TUBA: Now Al, you stop being mean and let me have that story. You don't want to get me mad. After all I am the mystical Goddess of Channel Surfing and I have a few tricks up my sleeve that you don't want to see.

AL: [contemplating] Oh, alright, since you asked so nice. Here's the story. [Al hands the story over to Tuba]

TUBA: Thank you, Al. Sometimes, you can be such a baby.

AL: Goo-Goo? GaGa?

TUBA: Don't start, Al [Tuba composes herself, straightens her hair then begins to read] News Flash...Mr. T... Wait a minute! All this fuss over Mr. T? 

AL: Now, Now Tuba, the show must go on. Let's be professional about it.

TUBA: [Tuba tenses for a moment then relaxes] Oh, I guess you're right. Here goes. News Flash... Mr. T dumps gold chains for a sharp suit and tie. That right folks, in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, Mr. T was seen promoting his new TV Land show "I Pity the Fool" without his signature gold chains. What caused the transformation? Well, as Mr. T himself reported, "As a spiritual man, I felt it would be a sin against my God for me to wear all that gold again because I spent a lot of time with the less fortunate." Mr. T was also asked such questions as "Why do you pity the fool?" and "Mr. T, why isn't there a Mrs. T?" The particular reporters who asked those questions were later slapped, beaten and dumped into a large cardboard box by a very angry Mr. T. who shouted "Don't mess with me, sucker!"

AL: Now, I don't think that Mr. T would have beaten up those reporters.

TUBA: You're right, Al, I just made that up to be funny.

[audience applause]

 But not as funny as Mr. T's hair, Al.

AL: Ewww, now you're in trouble. I can see it now GRUDGEMATCH 2006. Mr. T verses TeyVey-A-Tuba. I'd pay to see that.

TUBA: Well, save your money, I'm not afraid of Mr. T. If he wants to take issue with me, fine. I'll be here at the CLUBHOUSE anytime he wants to see me.

[Audience applause] Tuba! Tuba! Tuba! Tuba!

AL: Something tells me that next week would be a great time for a vacation far, far from here.

TUBA: What's that Al? You thinking of leaving town. Just like a man. When the going gets tough, ZOOM! you're out of here.

AL: Well, as old Pappy used say on the MAVERICK western series "He who plays and runs away lives to play another day."

TUBA: Oh, Al. you'd never really leave. You like me too much. And besides, if Mr. T did come to town, you'd be the first person to defend me. Even though it would surely mean your death or, at the very least, a long stay in an intensive care ward nursing many broken bones.

AL: [gulps] Let's just hope that it never comes to that. What do you say we get back to the News. Shall we? [Picks the last story from the bucket] I hold before you, the last news story of the month.

[Wild Audience Applause]

SUBJECT IS: FURNITURE

Speaking of things being broken and demolished, this month, the set of The LATE LATE SHOW with Craig Ferguson was demolished on-air by none other than veteran game show host Bob Barker who smashed Craig Ferguson's desk with a karate chop, He then instructed a gaggle of gorgeous models from the PRICE IS RIGHT show to bring in their hammers and demolish the rest of the set. But don't despair, a new set, by set designer Akira Yoshimura, debuted Monday July 24th. There were a few glitches with the new set - like faulty lighting - but the show went on as planned.

You know, I think the news story bucket left out the new show PSYCH on the USA network about a very observant detective who plays a fake psychic to attract clients to his agency. Good show. Check it out.

Now, let's close out the show with one of the best TV quotes of the month which came from LATE NIGHT with Conan O'Brien who said:

''Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate what he says was a plot to kill him. So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television.''

[Audience laughter]

AL: Well, that's all the news for this month. 

Before we go, we'd like to thank our sponsors Wally's Fillin' Station and Simon and Simon Investigations for supporting our program.

Until next time, I'm yours truly, Al Holst and let's not forget our clubhouse mascot, the beautiful TeyVey-A-Tuba, the Mystical Goddess of Channel Surfing. All Hail TeyVey-A-Tuba. 

AUDIENCE: [chanting] Tuba! Tuba! Tuba! Tuba!

[TevVey-A-Tuba waves goodbye and then in a flash of energy returns to the CLUBHOUSE TV Set]

AL: Goodbye everybody! See you next month on TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE.

[Music/Theme Song]

TV Acres! TV Acres! TV Acres is the place to be (Sing it again)
TV Acres! TV Acres! TV Acres is the place to beeeeee.

FADE

[TV ACRES CLUBHOUSE is written by Jerome A. Holst, the webmaster of TV ACRES.com. All rights reserved c2006). For copyright protection a copy of this program has been filed with the Writer's Guild of America and the Library of Congress.

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