Ross: (Thinking it over) Sure! (Takes one) Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this year.
All: Ohh! That's great!
Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
Ross: Hmm.

Ross: Well, I do, so let's... (Ben and Ross sit down on the couch) So, Ben, you uh, you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya?
Ben: Christmas.
Ross: Yep, and you know what other holiday is coming up?
Ben: Christmas eve.
Ross: Yes, but also (Pauses to let Ben answer, but he doesn’t.) Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly!
Ross: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.
Ben: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Ross: (interrupts him) Okay, that's right, yes, but on Hanukkah, uh, we sing, uh (Sings) Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Ben: (singing) Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer...
Ross: (interrupts him again) Okay, it's not a contest.
Ben: When is Santa coming?
Ross: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?
Ben: No Santa? Was I bad?
Ross: No! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad, you've been very good, Ben.
Ben: Santa's mad at me.
Ross: No, hey-hey, come on, (He grabs Ben and sits him on his lap) Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy!
Ben: So Santa's coming?
Ross: (disappointed) Yes! Santa's coming!

Ross: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left?
Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.
Ross: Okay look, do-do, you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him, um, come on, I…uh, you gotta have something.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just opened the door for Ross who is costumed as an Armadillo. Ben is standing next to her.]

Ross: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you (Points to Ben) a Merry Christmas!
Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Ross: (to Monica) Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
Monica: Wow, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from…Texas.
Ben: Texas?
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. (He tries to bend down to pick up the bag with the presents, but can't because of the costume) Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents.

[Monica picks up the bag, while Ross closes the door and hits Monica with his tail. They walk into the living room, and Monica empties the bag.]

Ben: Wow! Thanks!
Ross: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas, ooh, and Happy Hanukkah!
Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part-Jewish.
Ross: (gasps) You are? Me, too!
Monica: Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert?
Ross: (to Monica) You wanna wander in the hall? (to Ben) Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the festival of lights?
Ben: Cool!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: Come on Ben.

[Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.]

Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird…turtle-man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Chandler: What?
Ben: Did you bring me any presents, Santa?
Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo, and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence, I never thought I'd say.

[They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices]

Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross: Thank you, but, but you gotta leave.
Chandler: Why?
Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you’re wrecking it.
Chandler: But I didn't get to shape my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: I'm sorry, Chandler but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.

[Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.]

Ross: Okay Ben, Santa has to go. Say good-bye!
Ben: No! Why does he have to go?
Chandler: Because, if Santa and the Holiday…Armadillo? (Ross nods) ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas!
Ben: No! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want Santa!
Ross: Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay.
Chandler: Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Ben: Okay, Santa!

(Ross mouths to Chandler, "Thank you," and he mouths, "You’re welcome," back.)

Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.
[Joey enters in a Superman-costume]
Joey: (entering wearing a Superman costume) Merry Christmas!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Santa (Chandler), Superman (Joey), Ben, and Monica are listening to the Holiday Armadillo (Ross) finish telling the story of Hanukkah.]

Ross: …and the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should’ve just lasted just one day, burned for…
Ben: (answering him) Eight whole days.
Ross: That’s right, and that’s why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end.
Ben: Awesome!
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (Glaring at Joey who’s nodding.)
Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay Ben, it’s time to light the Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica, Ben, and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the menorah to light the candles.)
Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh.
Rachel: (seeing the collection of characters.) Wow! It looks like the Easter Bunny’s funeral in here.
Ross: Come on, come on, we’re-we’re-we’re lighting the candles!
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Oh.  (They both go over to light the candles.)
Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny’s funeral?